I mean the inner one that I never thought I had until I started my deliberate living a decade ago. I thought I was rather poised.
Later, I found 51st Gene Key in my profile. It has “Agitation” as its Shadow. As I read, I couldn’t stop nodding – I remember living in that shadow as a normal state.
The 51st Shadow devotes all its energy into trying to stave off the inevitable. It lives in denial of the ultimate shock — the fact of physical death, and in denying death it actually throttles life.The Gene Keys – Richard Rudd
From the very beginning of my endeavor, I had no resistance to let go of that one. It felt very natural to accept the physical death, thanks to my past near-death experiences. I even went on to embrace it as another form of continuation of life to be celebrated, though it certainly created some conflicts in socially accepted emotions around the physical death.
Knowing that it’s all about perception, I had to learn how to give the benefit of the doubt to those who have different perceptions of life, which is, you guess it right, everybody but me.
Surrender Phase 1 – Release
Initially, in my conscious living endeavor, I knew that it’d be really hard to hold myself together because old memories were ready to be released almost 24/7, that was a total hell-broke loose experience, but I was fully ready for it.
Gradually the whole enchilada subsided. Before I forgot its existence, though, it caught me off guard, without me recognizing its source. It was quite a challenge just to release a memory because my mind always got in the way to figure out what the source of the memory was, in vain.
Surrender Phase 2 – On the Fly
For a long time, I felt like a “surrogate cryer/sobber/weeper/whimperer/bawler/blubber etc.,” to lend my body just to release whatever memories coming up on the surface. If I resisted it, by trying to rationalize everything, my body would start hurting all over. For me, it’s another act of surrender.
Gone with the Wind
I grew up in the culture of “putting up with everything is a virtue” – it can look virtuous outside, but completely rotten inside, full of unprocessed emotions, holding many timebombs within.
I had to learn how to surrender on a new level. With daily practice, soon, I realized I had no sense of patience or putting up with anything. The virtue was gone from me 🙂
With that said, I had no doubt that my body is made up of trillions of cells that carried their own memories. After each 3-5 minute crying session, I felt lighter.
Surrender Phase 3 – To the Unknown
Now, it seems that I have another layer of challenge. Surrender to the Unknown. Literally.
Despite the external conditions, including my dad diagnosed with cancer on the heels of the recovery of my own, and my mom getting Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s, I have no plan, no memory, nothing. But I get the feedback from the life that I have resistance here and there every single day. I was even wondering if I ever attracted the ongoing Corona craze to surrender more to the Unknown.
Giving Up More
Surrender has been a kind of buzzword and it means different things to different people. Even within myself, what means to me has changed over time.
For me now, it demands of me completely giving up the struggle – of figuring out.
No trying to remember, no searching, no googling, nothing. Even when I said to myself “OK, I’ll be fine after going through this,” this attempt itself seems to keep me in limbo.
I have nothing to hold on to. It feels uneasy.
For example, I would expect to reach the inner peace that would welcome me at the end of the meditation. But there’s no such thing. Really, it feels like I finish watching a French movie for the first time…keeping me hanging on.
Determined to Observe
At least, I don’t want to deviate away from my Inner Being by getting frustrated as I used to do so in the past unconsciously. Instead, I decided to observe without attaching any meaning to anything.
Observing how I feel agitated. Observing that agitation itself. By the time when I see its essence even without memory, it leaves.
This really requires a mind of a scientist, because it’s really subtle, energetically.
It comes back in different forms until I acknowledge it. If I leave it unnoticed for a while, it forms a pattern; a negative habit that potentially manifests on the physical plane is born.
So, the earlier I do something about it, the better! Before it physically manifests!
There’s no drama/trauma involved. It must be a weird experience from the outside, but my body feels satisfied. Oh, the satisfaction feels much better than being in limbo!